The Decision
I would like to talk about the day I accepted help, real help, the type of help that I desperately needed but would not admit too.
In the height of my addiction I had asked for help multiple times. I was trying to quit drinking but it had gotten to the point that I was too sick to not drink. I would have severe withdrawal, including tremors, sweats, nausea, anorexia, hallucinations and eventually seizures. On at least three separate occasions, I went to walk-in clinics, confessed my situation and got prescriptions for Diazepam to help get me through. Each time I began drinking again after a few weeks.
One occasion I ended up in hospital emergency for treatment. This time I was given information for an outpatient addictions counselling service, which I contacted. I met with the nurses on a regular basis, again I would stop drinking, be given more prescriptions, but over and over I would start drinking again. Each time the nurses would be there for me.
The last time I contacted them, I was sicker than I had ever been. I was scared and angry. I needed diazepam, but now I wanted to get into a detox program. The nurse I was closest to told me she could get me the medication, and most likely get me into detox, but she looked me in the eye and said “but it won’t work”. Desperate and crying I insisted, what choice did I have? This is when she suggested a long term in patient rehab.
I told her no. I could not possibly walk away from my job. I could not leave my family, I had two cats that needed me, and the list went on. I would go to detox for the short term only. This angel then proceeded to have the program’s physician take me on as a patient, he secured a medical leave of absence from work for me. She then got me a bed at a well-respected facility across the country. She came to my home, sat down with me and presented me with the offer.
At that moment I had a decision to make. Saying yes would completely upend my life. I was still delusional enough to believe I could do this on my own. Then a feeling came over me from deep inside, a feeling of complete release. At that moment I gave up my fight. I admitted defeat to myself and the shame lifted. I placed myself in the care of others. I felt small and weak, but safe.
That moment changed my life.
