Danger Signs

We are taught from a young age to beware of danger. We learn how to recognize it and avoid it. The dark back alley, the stranger standing too close, the sharp turns on a highway, even household products, chemicals in our food and the long list goes on. As recovering addicts, we learn a new type of danger. We become aware of the situations that we know will put our sobriety at risk. These dangers are as individual as the addicts themselves. For me, the enemy is apathy.

In recovery I am learning to handle the difficult situations, typically flare ups of depression and anxiety; also anger, stress and grief. I have strategies I can use when faced with these situations. While I am by no means perfect at it, I am getting better at recognizing and dealing with these emotions. “Progress not perfection” as they say.

Apathy is a different beast.

Apathy, for me, is about not caring about anything and not wanting to do anything. I have a busy, hectic job so I usually enjoy my down time. There are times though, when nothing satisfies and nothing interests me. The book I am reading, my favorite show, my neighborhood walks, household tasks etc. all seem redundant, boring and not worth the effort. I can often shake myself out of a bad mood by writing about it, but on these days nothing helps.

I do know one thing that would help. The one thing that used to always “help”. I am grateful that I have come far enough in recovery that I know picking up a drink is not an option. I also know I have to be extra careful during these moments not to entertain the idea. This is when I am at my weakest. Sometimes I will force myself to nap or go to bed early, anything to get out of this dangerous headspace. I know when I wake up I will feel better, It’s not a great plan, but it is all I have.