Self Compassion Series
The first step in building our self compassion is mindfulness.
We cannot change something if we are not aware of what is happening. We cannot change our reactions to something if we're not cognizant of exactly how we are feeling in the first place.
For example, you are dealing with a difficult colleague at work, someone who is over critical and self righteous. Normally you are able to just ignore the behavior, but on a particular day, you're tired and you have had enough. You snap and end up getting in an argument with this person. You go home and you feel angry with yourself for not keeping your emotions under control. You berate yourself for your unprofessional behavior. If you take a closer look, you may find you are feeling angry, sad, anxious about your job, disappointed in yourself, or any number of emotions. If the identical incident was reported to you by a good friend, you would tell the friend that their behavior was understandable in the situation, the colleague is a difficult person, and that the friend should not beat themselves up about it. Why would we not treat ourselves with the same compassion?
We are not condoning the behavior as such. We are just understanding that we are fallible. and we make mistakes. This does not make us a bad person.
While we are berating ourselves for a perceived offence, it might be helpful to ask ourselves these questions; What do I need right now? What is the story in my head and how can I interpret it differently? What is one kind statement I can say to myself right now?
Practicing self compassion is not easy. It takes time and patience to be able to routinely show it to ourselves, but the benefits will be well worth the work!
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” Chris Germer
We all do things that we know we shouldn't, or don't do things that we know we should. Often were left with a feeling of guilt or remorse afterwards. We might be angry with ourselves. We might consider ourselves a "bad person" for not doing the thing we should have done. These are normal reactions when we do something that we feel guilty about. But in the light of self compassion, maybe we can change the way we see ourselves in these moments.
For example, my mother phoned last night, and I saw her number on my phone and didn't answer. I was not in the mood to talk to her. I was not in the mood to tell her how my day was. I was tired and cranky, and I just wanted to watch TV. Afterwards, I felt really bad. I felt like I was being a bad daughter. I know she enjoys our phone calls.
First of all, I need to acknowledge how I'm feeling. I need to sit with my uncomfortable emotions rather than stuffing them down."I'm feeling guilty for not being there for my mom". I can then try and show myself some compassion by investigating a little more. Why did I not answer the phone? I was not in a place mentally where I could deal with a conversation with my mom. What I needed in that moment was some to engage in some self care and self nurturing. Even if that was just mindlessly watching TV. When it comes to our mental well being, we need to make ourselves a priority sometimes.
Next, if possible, we could look forward and determine if there is anything we could do to ease the situation? In this case, I could call my mother back in the morning. I could drop by for coffee, somehow let her know that I do care about her.
By taking these steps. I am a better person when I actually do spend time with my mom. And in the end, I feel better.
Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.
– Tara Brach
I fell off my bike two days ago. I feel really stupid about it. I was going around a sharp corner, hit some mud and went flying. Thankfully, I didn't do any serious damage to myself or my bike. I was able to get up and keep riding. partly because I was far from home, and partly because I was embarrassed. Today, two days later. I am in pain. My left hip hurts and I'm having trouble walking. I have a whiplash in my neck and a swollen left elbow with a big gash in it. I've been sitting around my apartment, feeling sorry for myself and lambasting myself for being so stupid. I actually haven't even told anybody that I fell because I'm too embarrassed.
Ironically, before I left on this bike ride, I completed a blog post about self compassion and how we shouldn't speak negatively to ourselves. I have been limping around calling myself an idiot for two days. So in addition to being in pain, I'm feeling like a bit of a hypocrite.
I have been resting, icing, elevating, medicating and doing all the things I know I'm supposed to do. Unfortunately, I know that these types of injuries take a long time to heal. I know I will be recovering for quite some time I am not going to be able to do the things that keep me sane, things that calm my mind. and make me feel good; things like running hiking and walking in the neighborhood.
If I was talking to a friend who had had an accident such as mine, I would tell them just that, it was an accident. It was not their fault and these things happened. I would tell them I was grateful that they were not more seriously injured. I would probably encourage them to take up other activities while they were recuperating, such as reading, writing, maybe even catching up on some favorite TV shows or movies. I would tell them to take the time and rest.
In the spirit of self compassion, perhaps I should have this conversation with myself!
“Self-compassion is like a muscle. The more we practice flexing it, especially when life doesn’t go exactly according to plan (a frequent scenario for most of us), the stronger and more resilient our compassion muscle becomes.”
- Sharon Salzberg
If someone we loved was sad, would we tell them they were being selfish to wallow in their own self pity?
If someone we loved was angry, would we tell them they had no right to be angry and it was probably their fault anyways?
If someone we loved was lonely, would we tell them it was because they were unlikeable and it was no wonder people didn't wanna be around them?
My guess is no, we wouldn't talk that way to someone we loved. So why do we speak this way to ourselves? The constant negative chatter in our heads can have a cumulative and devastating effect, but being kind and compassionate to ourselves can be difficult. It can feel foreign and feel self indulgent. It is, however, the first step towards healing. If we can stop berating ourselves and show a little self compassion, we will find we are better equipped to deal with what the rest of what life throws at us.
Kristen Neff is a leading researcher in the field of self compassion. I encourage you to check out her website.