Reflections
The Creature
It lives in the darkness behind my eyelids.
The creature, part human, part rat.
With sharp black eyes, long body and strong legs.
Its hair is tangled and dirty. Its skin is pale and cracked.
Its tail gives the illusion of a snake following it into a dark corner, where it sits in the shadow and it waits.
It is waiting for me to forget where I came from, to forget what I have done and who I have been.
I need only close my eyes to remember.
If someone we loved was sad, would we tell them they were being selfish to wallow in their own self pity?
If someone we loved was angry, would we tell them they had no right to be angry and it was probably their fault anyways?
If someone we loved was lonely, would we tell them it was because they were unlikeable and it was no wonder people didn't wanna be around them?
My guess is no, we wouldn't talk that way to someone we loved. So why do we speak this way to ourselves? The constant negative chatter in our heads can have a cumulative and devastating effect, but being kind and compassionate to ourselves can be difficult. It can feel foreign and feel self indulgent. It is, however, the first step towards healing. If we can stop berating ourselves and show a little self compassion, we will find we are better equipped to deal with what the rest of what life throws at us.
I remember the anxiety and panic I felt I would feel, on a daily basis, when I was drinking.
The black outs, then trying to piece together what I did the previous night, hoping I didn’t do anything too damaging. The worrying about sick calls to work, hoping I was not going to be reprimanded. The shaking hands and alcohol breath, hoping nobody would notice. The worrying about money, was I going to have enough to pay my bills, more importantly, enough to buy more wine? The list goes on.
The anxiety, combined with feeling sick most of the time, was a way of life, as was the isolation and hopelessness.
I look back on this now, wondering how I made it through, and wondering why I waited so long to admit that I was barely surviving.
Life is not without pain, trauma and worry. However, I am no longer the architect of most of my problems. I am able to see a little more clearly. I am able to change the things I can change and accept the things I cannot.
It was hard to get sober. I went through hell. I could not have done it without help. I would not have received the help I so desperately needed if I hadn’t admitted to myself that I was drowning, swallowed my pride and asked for it.
The chatter in my head has taken over. I am at a loss as to what to do about it. I have tried distraction, but I keep interrupting myself. I have tried quiet meditation, guided meditation and walking mediation with no luck. I have tried to busy myself with tasks, which works for a short time but eventually I am running the dialog again. Even writing this is difficult because I am being told it is self-serving and poorly worded. I am fearful and anxious. It is 4 am and I have not really slept…again.
Three years into recovery and I am overwhelmingly lost today. Lost but sober.
I am alone, but I am not lonely. This is a thing I tell myself regularly. I live alone, I eat alone, yesterday I went to the beach alone. I like being alone. I have a job where I am around many people and I have lots of work acquaintances. I love to hang out with my children, diners, hikes etc. But the majority of my down time, I spend alone.
I wonder sometimes if this is always a good thing though. Am I hiding from people, from relationships? Am I avoiding the dangers of putting myself out there and possibly getting hurt? I will admit that the thought of sharing some experiences with somebody is nice, but the potential baggage that comes with that may not be worth it. I suppose when it comes down to it, I am a little frightened.
Recovery has forced me to confront many demons, and pushed me out of my comfort zone many times. Perhaps this is another demon I need to confront? Maybe by spending my time alone I am doing myself a disservice? When I left rehab, the parting words from my counsellor were “isolating yourself will be your downfall”
Maybe it is time to take the next step?
It is difficult to admit to ourselves that we have a problem. We know that.
What is also difficult is admitting to the people closest to us that we have a problem. We fear the anger, the disappointment and the judgement. We do not want to admit we have lost control and that are lives “have become unmanageable”. We feel weak and full of shame. We want to keep our suffering to ourselves. Our arrogant addicted mind believes that we have been fooling them. We believe we have been concealing our addiction successfully.
The irony is that our loved ones can see through our façade. They see the changes in behavior, they see the lies and see we are isolating ourselves. They see our suffering and they know we are deeply unhappy. They may not understand, but they know.
They just know.
I am not sure if I am on the slow climb of a rollercoaster or just chugging along in a country carriage. What I do know is that today I am feeling contented and calm. My history would dictate that the fall is coming, that I will soon be thrown into anger and despair, but I cannot dwell there.
I cannot contaminate today with thoughts of what may happen tomorrow. This moment is the only one that counts. This breath, then the next breath and so on. It is the only way I know to maintain my sanity.
It is terrifying to ask for help! Terrifying to admit to someone else, and more importantly to yourself, that you have a problem. If you know your drinking is not normal and it is messing up your life, it's only going to get worse from here. Asking for help may be the hardest thing you ever do, but it is the first and most important step in taking back your life. This act of humility and bravery changed my life.
You have more strength than you realize.
You are not alone.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted this morning. I need sleep, but more importantly I need peace. I need to step out of my life for a little bit. Maybe go on a road trip somewhere. Just get away. I know I would come back refreshed and ready again.
We know ourselves well enough to know when we need a break. We must recognize the signs and act. Self care is as important to our spiritual self as it is to our physical self.
How do you look after your spiritual self?
When I lie in bed mentally reviewing my day, I often see that I have made mistakes, gotten angry or been too reactive. I see myself not being the person I want to be. Instead of beating myself up over this. I must understand that sobriety work in progress, one day at a time. Tomorrow is quite literally a "do over". What is most important is that I keep trying!
Self-help is a multimillion dollar industry that constantly bombards us with new information. Whether it is from social media, television or podcasts, we are always hearing about what we “should” be doing to live a better life. Some of the information is nonsense, some is very good. We need to remember that we have choice in what works for us and what will not. We cannot do it all. Any actions we take, or commitments we make to ourselves, to help us feel better, look better, be better must have staying power. If it is not something we enjoy, it will not last.
What things are you doing to improve your quality of life, that you actually enjoy doing?
When we see that someone we love is hurting, the desire to fix the pain can be overwhelming. We want to make it go away, but very often we cannot do that. We try and “cheer them up” with happier thoughts, we distract them, we try to minimise the cause of the pain or offer practical solutions. We do this because seeing pain in a loved one and feeling helpless is so difficult. In these situations, sometimes the hardest thing to do is to sit with them in their pain, let them know you see them and you are there for them.
How difficult is this? Am I able to just sit with someone, in their pain?
As somebody who lives alone I have a lot of spare time on my hands. I enjoy the solitude, but as a recovering addict I know the dangers that can bring.
I have read the benefits of having projects, or activities that you enjoy, in your daily routine. The right activity can ground you, boost your sense of self, and give you a sense accomplishment. For me, having something to focus my emotional energy on seems to make sense. I have discovered that a like to write. Putting thoughts in to words is healing, and each post, blog or story came out of emotions I was having that day. Sharing these thoughts has given me purpose and I am so grateful.
What nurtures you? What gives you purpose?
So much of the anger is gone. Things that used to enrage me no longer do. I have learned that I have control over my reactions to a situation and nothing else. Practicing this can be difficult but worth it. I no longer waste my time and energy being angry with things I cannot do anything about. I avoid rumination and disappointment.
I am living life on life’s terms.