Can We Choose
I have been sober now for almost 3 years. It has been a long road getting here. I have written about my journey in previous posts. Let’s just say I was in a really bad place, completely unable to help myself and ended up in rehab. It was there that I was able to completely detox and begin learning about why I drank. I was forced to face the pain and traumas I had been running from. I began taking down some of the walls I had built up to protect myself. In the process, I learned that I was not a “bad” person and learned some self-compassion. In those 90 days, I was surrounded by people who were diverse, but had many of the same problems. I shared things with those people that I would never have dreamed of telling another living soul.
The processes used at the facility included lectures, group therapy, individual counselling, cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation & mindfulness, Smart Recovery and 12 step work. All of these approaches were helpful to me in some way, depending on the circumstance. I did not come away completely dependent on any one process. I was not “cured”. What I did have was a solid foundation to start rebuilding my life on and a better understanding of myself.
I had one year of outpatient group therapy and attended AA regularly. I got a sponsor and continued to do the “step work”. If I am to be completely honest, the relationship and friendship with my sponsor became something that I valued tremendously, but I did have issues with some of the AA content. I understood the concept of “take what’s helpful, leave what’s not” and I did do that. I continue to follow the principles but I take an agnostic approach. I do not attend meetings regularly any more, and I do not believe that this will be the death of my sobriety. I do believe that, for me, I cannot drink normally and must abstain.
I continue to meditate. I try to practice mindfulness, and while I do not keep a “gratitude journal”, I am in the habit of recognizing moments of gratitude and saying a silent “thank you “. I read and listen to regular podcasts on the subject of mindfulness and emotional recovery. I write this blog as a way of giving back. I am being treated for a long undiagnosed bipolar disorder. With a clearer head and two years of sobriety I have been able to choose what is right for me.
I believe we all have to choose the right path for ourselves, when the time is right. In the depths of addiction, we are not capable of doing this, or we repeatedly make very poor choices that only lead to greater suffering. We need help, support and guidance desperately at this time. In healthy recovery, we can make choices based on our needs. For some, AA will become a way of living, for others it may not. Some may continue with behavioural therapy, some may find religion or may subscribe to Buddhist teachings. Others might find what they need with family or loved ones.
Addiction affects people from all races and religions. It affects men and women of all ages, it affects people from all socioeconomic groups. It does not discriminate. It only makes sense that how we live our lives in recovery be equally as diverse.
