Here & Now
I am sitting on my hotel balcony in the rain. It’s not a heavy rain, it’s light. The kind of rain you can be out in for a while without getting completely soaked. It has been raining like this for 2 days. I am looking at the little park across the highway. The sprinklers are on, about six of them, giving the grass a good soaking. This is a soaking it clearly doesn’t need, but these sprinklers are automatic. They are set to go on regardless of the weather. It seems like such a waste of water, a waste of energy. The grass is fine, it has had a slow steady supply of the water it needs. It doesn’t need anything right now. It occurred to me that our minds can work like this sometimes. My mind certainly does.
I am travelling across the country right now, to help my daughter move. I decided to make a mini vacation out of it, taking my time and seeing the sights. It has been a great drive so far, I am enjoying it. Some of the scenery has been breathtaking. I’ve listened to a really good audio book and some good music. I have had some great food, and met some really nice people. The hotels have been comfortable. I have enough money to do the trip without stressing about it. I have what I need.
So why then, have I been so anxious and obsessive the last 24 hours? Why has there been constant chatter in my head? Why am I worrying about unplanned delays or financial issues? Why am I judging myself about not “making the most of the trip”, not “doing everything I could”. Why did I work myself up in to such a state that my chest was tight and my hands were tingling? Why did I feel like crying? I found myself relentlessly searching the internet for things I could do to make myself feel better. I began looking for the perfect hike, a day spa, the best restaurant. I even searched for local AA groups. I was looking for something to “snap me out of it”. I then berated myself for not doing any of it.
The truth is that I didn’t need to do any of those things. I didn’t need to create a solution to a problem that was also of my own creation. What I needed to do was go for a walk around this pretty little town, check out the shopping, eat where and when I felt like it, nap when I was tired. I needed to just “be”. I have talked a lot about mindfulness and being in the moment. My regret about what did not happen and worry about what might happen was not serving me. I lost sight of that. This morning I could see it more clearly. I had this realisation, while watching sprinklers.
My situation is not unlike the grass in the park across the highway. It has what it needs. It is saturated with water. The sprinklers are frantically trying to fix a problem that does not exist, wasting precious water while doing so. I too had created worry and angst where it did not belong. I have everything I need right now and I can be at peace in this moment.
Maybe I will create a new mantra for myself. “Right now, I have what I need”. Maybe I will be able to help myself stay focused, stay in the moment and save a little energy.
