Changing

Today I was thinking about circle of life and death, old turning into new, the phoenix rising from the ashes and rebirth.  Pretty heavy stuff, but it was all inspired by looking at a picture I took of a field of dandelions that were all dying. I started thinking about things that have gone from my life and the cycles that we go through.

We can't change our past, but we can certainly see our past in a different light. A memory that once left us full of shame and self-loathing can be redefined.  For example, when I visited my daughter during my addiction, I would spend much of my time plotting a way to actually get away from her so that I could drink. I'm planning a trip now to go see her. I know this will not be the case. I will spend time with her. I will enjoy her company and I will have a really nice time, I know that. The bad memory of how I treated her in the past serves as an example and evidence of how far I've come. This in no way absolves me of my guilt but it does help ease the shame about how I treated her.

I am a different person now. Through the steps I have taken in my recovery I have changed. I am under no delusion that this change is permanent without my constant attention, but it is for now a reality. From the wreckage that was my life I have grown into a new person. My deepest lows can be seen as seeds planted, which i have finally given a chance to grow.

There is no life without growth!