My birthday is coming up this week. Rather than feeling excited, I'm starting to feel the dread and anxiety that comes around this time of year. I think it's because I see the numbers creeping up and start to question how much longer I have on this earth? What have I done so far that's really important? I start to question my own mortality and the significance of my contributions to this planet. Yes, I freaked out a little bit! What I really should be doing is enjoying family and having some cake.

The problem started the year I turned 50. For one reason or another, that number really bothered me. I remember feeling like "I cannot be 50". "I will not be 50". I slipped into a deep depression and it was at that point I took my birthday off of social media and threatened my family that if they tried to celebrate it in any way, I wouldn't speak to them again. I chose to respond with complete denial. Subsequent birthdays have not been as intense as my 50th birthday, but they've been difficult. 

What upsets me more is how my own ageism is affecting me. 

I have an active full time job. I am healthy and in good physical condition. I have two amazing adult children who make me proud every day. I'm close with the rest of my family as well. I am working hard on my recovery, and I really have nothing to complain about, in the grand scheme of things. So why do the numbers bother me so much and what can I do?

I don't have an answer for this.

Perhaps the answer lies in actively refining my focus and trying to see more clearly what it is that's actually going on in my mind. As difficult as it may be, I need to sit with these feelings, explore them and try and understand them. A beautiful tool for this is RAIN, an acronym taught by Tara Brock. It is a tool that can be used to help us practice mindfulness and self compassion. We recognize, allow, investigate. and nurture our feelings. 

I have spent many hours listening to Tara Brooks podcast and listening to her Dharma talks. I recommend this to anyone.

I will take my own advice and try and work through some of these feelings that I have. Hopefully I could make peace with my birthday.

Resources ~ RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture - Tara Brach