Whack a Mole

What I like to call “whack a mole” addiction can also be referred to as Cross Addiction or Addiction Interaction Disorder. This is the all-too-common condition where a person has more than one addictive behavior. These can include an addiction to alcohol or other substances, eating disorders, gambling, smoking, video games, sex, or any other compulsive behavior that has negative consequences. The risk is often greater when there is a history of depression, anxiety or trauma. We can fall into the trap of addiction to ease our pain.

I would describe myself as having an addictive personality. While this is not a medical diagnosis, it is loosely referred to as a collection of personality traits that lead a person to addictive behaviors. I will not go into the dirty details of my addiction (at least in this post!), but I have had a problem with alcohol since I was in my early teens, I have had an eating disorder for the same amount of time. Until recently, any periods where I was sober for any length of time, were marred by the resurgence of my eating disorder. Periods where my eating disorders seem to be under control, were the times that I drank the most. I would feel like I had one under control and the other one would pop up. Hence the term whack a mole addiction!

I am three and a half years sober right now and very proud of that. When I first got out of rehab, I was fine for a few months. But as predicted by my counselors, my eating disorder came back with a vengeance. I was miserable and felt like it was taking over my life.

Recovery from alcoholism involved admitting there was a problem, asking for help, going through cravings and withdrawals and eventually following the steps and getting sober. It also involved educating myself, meditation, running, reading and listening to podcasts. I became familiar with the term “emotional sobriety” and worked hard on that. In the eyes of others, I was doing well. In reality, I had slipped back into behaviors that were all too common during my drinking days, but now revolved around food.

At about two years sober, I had had enough. A light went on, and it occurred to me that I could apply the same tactics I used to quit drinking to gain control over my eating disorder. I was feeling strong enough in sobriety to take on another challenge. Initially, there were cravings, withdrawals and overwhelming anxiety, but I knew this was something I had to go through if I wanted to be well. I began to apply the same techniques that were keeping me sober, to my eating disorder. For the first time in my life, I actually began to feel like I had some control . This was over a year ago and I now have two “birthdays” to celebrate.

The fact that it took me so long to get to where I am today is a source of shame. I try to meet the shame with compassion and realize that I just was not emotionally ready to face another recovery. I believe things happen when they do for a reason.

The “whack a mole” game between my alcoholism and my eating disorder appears to be over thankfully. That is not to say that there aren’t other things that could pop up in the future. I know I have to quit smoking and I drink too many energy drinks. I am painfully aware how easy it is for me to fall into another addiction.

For now, though, I can take pride in what I’ve accomplished thus far. I will continue to work on my emotional sobriety, read, meditate, run, spend time with family and work on this blog!