A Difficult Past
For those of us who have done any kind of step work, we remember all too well what it was like to go through steps 4 and 5. Making a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves and admitting to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. This process is a painful one, but necessary. In rehab, I created a very detailed history of my life, then afterwards, spoke with the chaplain about it. I was also asked to tell "my story" in front of the entire group. This was a cathartic moment for me, all my secrets were out there, and I had nothing left to hide. There was a sense of freedom. Following that, we had a meeting with family. They had been instructed to give us an honest and unedited version of the ways in which our addiction had hurt them in their lives. There were many tears but eventually a sense of relief.
Unfortunately, all this confessing, admitting and reflecting, does not erase 30 years of causing pain and mayhem. Our present day sobriety does not change what happened in the past. Owning our behavior and understanding our addiction does not negate the hurt we have caused. This can be a hard pill to swallow.
My family has been very supportive, and I know they're proud of the work I have done. At no time have they ever dredged up past events and thrown them in my face out of spite or anger. I am grateful for this, but the fact is, bad things happened. My behavior affected them. My temper affected them. My yelling affected them. My absence affected them.
I have to live with the fact that I was not the perfect parent, that I made many mistakes. I could replay these moments over and over again in my head and make myself miserable or I can learn from them and be a better parent today. One of my favorite quotes from the book, 'Nutshell Essays', by Thom Rutledge, is "learn from the past and get the hell out of there". Wise words!
These memories play an important role by serving as powerful reminders of why we are doing what we are doing today. We must be aware of who we were in addiction so we will continue to fight for the person we are becoming.
