The Spiritual Awakening of a Struggling Agnostic

Growing up in the Catholic Church, I had a keen understanding of rules, protocol, commandments and punishment. I was not, however, a spiritual person.

When I went into rehab, there was a lot of focus on finding your higher power. What motivates you? Where will you get your strength from for fighting your addiction? It felt like a homework assignment. I needed to find a higher power. I struggled to try and understand my feelings towards church, God, Buddhism, chakra healing and many other concepts of a higher power. I felt as if I was failing.

Every morning, very early, I would go outside the center, under a little gazebo, and have a smoke and a cup of coffee. I would stare at the mountain in the distance and wish that I was up there hiking with my kids and enjoying being with them, like I used to. I though about enjoying the beauty of the mountain, the fresh air and the peace that comes with that. I would stare at the mountain and wish for what once was.

One particular morning, there was a very thick fog outside. You couldn't see 20 feet in front of you. I stood there staring in the direction of the mountain, because this was where I always stood when I had my coffee and my cigarette in the morning. I was looking through the fog and appreciating the fact that even though I could not see it, I knew for certain that the mountain was there, just hidden right now.

It was then that my body started to shake. I started to cry and was completely overwhelmed with emotion. In that moment, I understood that just like the mountain; my freedom, my happiness, the enjoyment I got from spending time with my kids, all that life had to offer, was still there. I simply could not see it through my own fog. My fog, that had been created by sadness, depression and alcoholism. My fog that had me in a very dark place, not able to see what was ahead of me. But just as the morning fog obstructing my view of the mountain would lift, so would my own fog. The sun would come out.

The tears and the trembling continued for a long time, I had a warm feeling throughout my body and I truly felt that I was not alone there in the gazebo.

What was this experience? Where did his insight come from? Was it a logical conclusion or something more? Was I having a spiritual awakening or had I simply drank too much coffee?

What I do know is that, in that moment, I realized that there was truly something greater than myself, that there was a power out there. I was not alone on my journey. I had something or someone looking after me.

It changed everything.