Tarnished

Memories are complicated.

We all have both good and bad memories. As a recovering addict some of these can be quite disturbing. We have made a lot of bad decisions, or desperate decisions that we are not proud of. I know that there are certain things I have done that I can barely think about. The shame and the sadness surrounding it is too overwhelming. That’s not to say that I haven’t done my steps. I have created a searching and fearless inventory (step 4) and admitted my wrong doings to another person (step 5). Hell, I spent 90 days admitting my sins to just about everyone. The rehab environment was like that. I knew that I was accepted and supported. We were all in the same boat. Now, rather than ruminating, I choose to focus on recovery and growth.

Wow! Good for you! You are doing great! Except no…no I’m not.

Memories, being what they are, pop in and out of your head at random sometimes, the good, the bad and the ugly. And the mundane. I am looking at a picture of a family vacation when the kids were small. Big smiles, everyone is happy, I remember how much I wanted a drink in the picture.  So many “happy” pictures that I look at now and know how messed up I was that day. There is a local market full of food venders and little shops, I go there quite a bit. I associate the market with waiting for the wine store to open at 9am because I am really needing a drink. Hotels I stay in, camp grounds I go to, parks around the city, all seem to hold memories of what an asshole I have been. If I am particularly vulnerable that day, it is worse.

Maybe this is normal? Maybe more sober time will lessen the feelings? I do not have an answer yet. I was thinking that creating new sober memories would offset the old ones? However, as I am writing this, it occurs to me that the answer may still be in forgiveness. Maybe I haven’t forgiven myself? Honestly, maybe really I don’t want to.