Paradox

Sometimes we are not aware that healing is happening until we come out the other side. What seems like a hardship at the time can have powerful positive effect.

In spring of last year, I began to slide into a depression that would affect me for months to come. I had been through periods of depression and elevated anxiety in the past, but nothing like this. Where in the past I was able to function at work and outside of work, albeit with a sense of melancholy and lack of interest. Last spring the symptoms became much more intense. I began to feel anxious about doing anything outside my apartment, I was not doing the things that I normally enjoy. I didn't want to talk to anyone or have conversations with anyone. Going to work became harder and harder until the day that I felt so overwhelmed I had to leave and go home. Just listening to people talk was causing my heart to race, my head to hurt and my hands to shake uncontrollably. I knew in that state I could not do my job. I saw my physician and was given two weeks off of work. At the end of two weeks, I was no better able to function. My leave was extended, my antidepressant medication was increased, and I was desperately trying to get myself out of the house, with very little success.

One of my ventures outside, I was riding my bike, took a corner too fast and landed on the pavement. What I initially thought was just a muscle injury turned out to be a broken pelvis. The pain was horrible. I was barely able to take a few steps, never mind go anywhere or do anything. Ironically this suited me just fine at the time. I now had an excuse to sit alone at home and percolate in my misery.

What followed was months of pain as I recovered. I attended physiotherapy to increase my strength and tolerance, and gradually became more and more mobile.

It was during this time that my son was to receive his master’s degree across the country. Since I had discovered that sitting for long periods did not hurt and I had nothing but time on my hands I decided to make the road trip to attend the ceremony. Looking back, it was this road trip that began the healing, maybe not of my pelvis, but of my heart.

I set out with ample time to get to the ceremony. I enjoyed long days driving, listening to audiobooks and exploring places I had never been to before. I would stop to eat when I was hungry, get a hotel when I was tired and simply follow my own schedule, with no pressure to be anywhere or accommodate anyone. Essentially, I stepped out of my life for a period of time, which in retrospect, gave me the opportunity to focus on myself, rest and heal. When I got back home, I was almost disappointed the trip was over. I took several other shorter trips, each time leaving with no agenda or pressure. As I began to heal physically, I started to incorporate small hikes and sightseeing into these trips. The trips became a refuge.

I was giving myself exactly what I needed. I was discovering who I was, what I enjoyed, what made me happy and what did not. I was given the rare opportunity to focus completely on myself for an extended period of time. I came away from the experience with a quiet confidence I have never known before. I no longer feel hijacked by my emotions or by the behaviors of those around me. I feel less angry. I am able to better choose my reactions to situations based on what I now know is important to me, not the opinions of others. My perspectives have changed. They have become wider and softer.

I am, in a funny way, almost grateful for falling off my bike. The time it took to heal physically, gave me the opportunity to heal emotionally and discover my truer self.