The Tunnel

Imagine you are looking into the opening of a long dark tunnel. You can see no light at the end, you only hear the voice of your teacher. You must enter the tunnel. You must walk through the darkness. You follow the voice. For the tunnel is not straight, it has many corners, and as you round the last corner you see your teacher, standing in the light, waiting for you.

When I entered rehab I was confused and desperate. I had made the most important decision, to get help, but little did I know that things were going to get a lot darker before they got better. The journey of exploring my fears, insecurities and trauma was about to begin.

In the first few weeks I remember wanting to hide in my room. I wanted to be alone. Now I was being asked to be in the presence of other people while I was at my most vulnerable. I was raw with emotion, puffy eyed and overwhelmed.

As time went on, I was to face many painful realities while exploring the history of my addiction. Some of these realities I had never accepted. Some were secrets that I thought I would take to the grave. Over and over again I was broken open, spilling out all the ugliness I had been keeping inside. Each time I believed there was nothing left to frighten me, no more to expose, but each time I was wrong.

I had no choice but to trust that I was in safe hands. I had made a conscious choice to trust my counsellor and made the decision to do whatever he asked of me. He tasked me with the nearly impossible over and over, and each time I came out the other side a stronger person. I had an understanding of myself that I had never had before. I was on my way to a life in recovery.

I am forever grateful.